We started this conversation pages ago talking about video games and a point that I wanted to make.  A realization that I have come to realize as I spend many more hours not working then working as I try to find the inspiration, the joy, so that I can do this next job that I have accepted.  And the realization is that if I don't want thoughts of negativitly, of violence, of harsh thoughts, silent ruminations of what I could have said if only I had thought of it at the time, then I have to be careful to what I allow to exist in my days.

And this is a tough one.  The more attention I spend on any issue, the more it becomes a part of me, it enters into my thoughts, into my feelings and I go to sleep and I walk up knowing that part of my dreams struggle through the night had to do with what I had allowed to become a part of me the day before.  Yet we cannot live in a bubble.  There are difficult things happening every day in the world.  Atrocities that need our attention, that need us to stand up and fight for, that need our help to create a more compassionate, fair and loving world.  There are babies to feed, species that are about to go extinct and a planet we need to save.

Yet for your own health, for your physical and spiritual health, you need to live in a place of peace and joy in abundance.  Because if you are not loving and whole and healthy you cannot fight the fight, you cannot change the world.  Because in the end chaos just breeds more chaos. And it is love that needs to find the way.

And you know this already in your heart of hearts.  You know this truth.  As do I.  As time passes though as I find more healing it becomes just more and more obvious as I become more aware of my own creation, the making of me. 

And sometimes it is just silly things that I let flesh out my days that can for even a moment become twisted in the night, in dreams that when I awaken I find haunting the edge of what I feel when I wake up.  I can't help that I enjoy mysteries and grade be action flicks that create a mindless state when I want to give my mind time to rest.  Yet sometimes those stay with me in unintended ways.

Something that I only came to realize one morning when I realized I don't wake up with a smile on my face.  And I had to ask why?

Every morning before I rise, I reach out for the joy of another day, I reach for the inspiration and the guidance for what I need to work on today and it feels wonderful.  Awakening I grab my laptop and hurry outside to be surrounded by wind and trees a hundred years old.  To listen to endless various bird song sweeten the air around me, to watch the season pass as the apple tree blossoms covered heavy with white flowers, which fall and soon the horses will feast once again.  I am surrounded with the beauty of the grass bending in the wind, a butterfly alighting beside me to feed on a yellow flower, the birds flitting by in front of me as if I wasn't there and I am content.  The best office in the world. And I connect once again.

Yet that isn't there in the twilight zone as I drift out of sleep.  I vaguely sense the struggle that was there a few moments before.  And I realize what I allowed into my heart, into my being came from what I had allowed in my day the day before.  The same way that we can end up replaying endless conversations in our mind on what we could have, should have said when we feel slighted by something that someone else says.   

And I realize I still have a long way to go.  

And I realize I want that.  I want to wake up with a smile on my face, with my heart filled with the joy and beauty and wonderment of what I know life is. Or at least meant to be. 

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