There has long been a debate on the influence of violence in video games and in the media we consume.  And this is not what we are about to address.  At least not in that we are advocating for or against.  Although to some it may seem so at first.  

But speaks instead into what we want to be able to bring in from outside of ourselves and speaks to what we want to find inside and how the two relate.

I was brought up to believe that success was to be found in

hard work.  The harder i worked the more success I would find.  And so that is how I lived my life. 

Working endless hours, often never taking a single day off.  I actually like working.  Took pride in what I did, no matter how small a task it was.  Luckily frequently in my life believing strongly in the purpose behind the work that I was doing.  Which only drove me harder than perhaps was healthy.  Healthy for my body or frequently beyond healthy in living a well-rounded life.  Work often consumed me to the point where other areas of my life suffered and still for endless years this was my life.  

I can take pride in what I created, what I was able to accomplish.  To start a therapeutic riding program and help others.  In a furture time learning how to create websites and learn the delight in photography, learn how to create and publish a magazine online dedicated to bringing knowledge and to support the horses that I loved.  But I worked hard, long and perhaps to the detriment to my health.  And I wonder could I have been a better mother, if less of my time had been dedicated to those endless hours creating and maintaining these creations.

On the planet for sixty revolution around the sun and it takes me that long to realize that here in my next incarnation of what my life is to stand for, where I finally realized that I needed to inspire others, that sadly knowledge was not always enough, I for the first time realized that for inspiration to take place in the fingertips of the drilling down on the keyboard, that first I needed in that moment to be inspired.  

And inspiration isn't found in blurry eyes, a tired mind, in pushing through hour after hour, day after day, driving yourself through the exhaustion to find another hour that you can give to the god of work, of labour.  If I hoped to help others find inspiration because it was here that I hoped transformation, change could begin, finally realizing then I needed to be in a place of inspiration myself.   And I coudln't find that in tired eyes, in a tired, exhausted mind.

To inspire others, I needed to be inspired.  And that was the first lesson.  

But that is a difficult challenge.  To be inspired every day?  Truly inspired where the words come flowing not from the brain that controls fingers but the words come flowing like a river that has burst through its dam from a heart and soul that felt so hard that it had no choice but to try to find words for what was inside.  To be inspiring, I needed to be inspired. Trying to work every day, to just put in hours that I knew were needed from the task that I had undertaken just wasn't good enough, because the words were clunky, didn't touch my own soul or heart, and if they didn't even touch my heart, how could they ever touch anothers.  How could the words, the work make a difference?

But that is a difficult challenge to live every day inspired.  To find and feel inspiration.

I came to finally understand that there was no point in writing in those days that my heart was not filled with that gentle joy.  That I was better off, to rest, to go for a long walk in the country.

I came slowly in the months that followed to finally understand that what came from me had to be found in me first.  Had to live inside of me first and that was the challenge.



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